Change of Heart

NOVEMBER 2, 2017

Hello world, (lo siento) that means I’m sorry in Spanish. Laugh all you want, but I do believe my Spanish is getting better. I apologize in advance, that I haven’t posted on my blog in a while. I have been busy lately with finishing my Spanish class to finally get my Associates degree. The good news is I have one more week of this class, and I’ll finally have it. Praise God! After that my plan, is to go to USF Sarasota, and major in elementary education. I am taking one semester there and two classes. One online, and one in class. Bear with me now, as I have said in my previous blog posts I am not sure, if I am called to be a teacher. However, I am going to see if teaching is what I really want to do. I’ll see if I like it, and if not I plan on looking into ministry schools. I haven’t told a lot of people. But I have felt a call towards ministry. I have told my former youth pastor and my pastor. Please keep me in your prayers. I just haven’t done a lot towards fulfilling this leap of faith. Perhaps, at this time in my life right now, all I can really do is pray about it, and look into ministry schools, and finish my Spanish class, and save my money. I have been reading my Bible more, and attending church service, and a young adults group(Which I absolutely LOVE).

I need to work on praying more though. It’s ironic, how at one point I was a loud prayer warrior during church service and even at home, that is until it seemed I couldn’t even move my tongue one day, and let alone lift up my hands and worship our heavenly father. I do believe it is because of some things that happened in my life, that wounded me and have held onto me. Things of which have tried to hold me back from God’s everlasting love. I remember going to youth camp, not being afraid of what people thought of me as I conversed with God out loud, and told him how much I loved him. I’d look up, I’d cry out to him. Of course, I still do love him. I just sometimes feel ashamed of my past, and what I did, but I must remember that he loves me. I know God forgives me, but now it is time I learn to forgive myself. Besides, I no longer live at that address anymore. I am washed by the blood of the lamb, and I know for certain that God loves me, no matter how many times I feel unlovable or unworthy of his being in his presence. ​Subsequently, lately I’ve been feeling really distanced from a lot of my friends. I’ve lost some, and some have went their separate ways. I’ve felt the loneliness creep inside my heart again. I can promise you, with no fingers crossed behind my neck, that I am not depressed, because if I was then I wouldn’t have the energy to want to write this. However, The loneliness, it has taken over some of my emotions, and I haven’t written any words or poetry down because of this. I’ve tried reaching out to people, but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’m longing for someone, for something of which I can not feel. I keep saying to myself, “I need a boyfriend again to fill this void” “I need someone to talk to me when I’m feeling down” “I need SOMETHING!” Correction!! I need a change of heart.

I have everything right in front of me that I need. Yet, it seems I, and perhaps some of us have been ignoring God. We ignore him because he’s not the first person we go to when we feel this loneliness. Because we can’t see him, or reach out to hug him. How harsh to say, but can I be honest and say unfortunately he’s not the one I go to when I am feeling lonely. But it is Jesus who I need to start going to instead of to my closest friend. After all, he is closer than a friend. I have been longing for all the wrong things. Maybe they’re not wrong, but in this time of my life they are wrong right now. I have been longing for “The love of my life” how cliché is that to say? but it’s the truth! A lot of us have been. I feel like if I found him, then I wouldn’t be so lonely. However, I once read in a book that even though if we were to find the love of our life, or that best-friend we’ve always wanted, or even that job we have always had our eye on, then it would never be enough for us. We will want, crave, and desire more. We will always be lonely, unless we have a change of heart. ‘ Today is the day. The day to change my heart. The first step towards doing this is acknowledging the fact that I need to change my heart and know that some of these things in my heart should not be in there in the first place. For example, lust, anger, jealousy, loneliness..etc. The second step is to finally forgive myself of my past and to let it go. The third step is to pray and ask God to help him change my heart, and forgive me of my sins. When my heart is starting to change, I must keep the faith and believe that I am worthy of his love, and I am not my former self. I must remember, that it is no longer what I think I need, or what I think I want. It is a change of heart. It is what God wants. There is no longer a need for me to covet things that other people have. Things of material possession, or even looks and things that seem to be all in my head. There is no need to keep being a cry baby because I’m single, and feel like a loner. There is no need to text the cute boy because I’m “Lonely”.

What I need now, and perhaps may be what you also need now, tomorrow, and forever- to fall deeply in love with God and focus and pray on the plans he has for my life, and possibly even your life. One day, God will bring me that person that my elders, and pastor’s tell me about. However, for now I must wait, and fall for the love of Jesus first. I want God to wreck my life, and show me things I have never imagined I’d be seeing. I want to one day be able to help impact people’s lives by showing them Gods love. Possibly missionary work. Who knows? All I know is, that I want to be the Jenny God has always created me to be. No more holding back, no more crying over silly things, no more complaining. It’s time for me to get up and move, to make a change of heart and help out perhaps young teens and many more. It is time for a change of heart. ​P.S Please enjoy this poem I wrote Title: Heart song ​“Realizing all along, my heart has not been in the right place. I have been searching for a love my whole life, only to find out it has been right in front of me this whole time. Right in front of my face. ​It is not the type of love you find in movies or in shows. ​It is an eternal love, that never withers but always grows. ​It is the kind of love that does not yell at you when you are wrong, ​but corrects you and doesn’t hurt you because there’s no need to belong. ​The love I am describing you know all along, because this love not an It ​but The Great I am , who has given me my heart song. “

-Love and blessings, Jenny