Good Girl

ON

JULY 4, 2017

I have been reading this book lately called Grace for the good girl, and it has made me realize that I am the complete opposite of a good girl. I don’t want to label myself as bad. Nonetheless, in my head, I picture the word good, as being someone who loves people wholeheartedly and does not talk negatively about other people. I see good as someone who I once was, and long to be. Good was twelve year old me promising herself she’d wait for marriage. Good was the pastors wife, who led the hurt and broken into her home. Good was not me. At least, that is how I felt.

Although God sees the good in me, I don’t always seem to see it. I have to give myself grace though. My mother has always called me a Good Christian Girl.  However, I feel as though I have not lived up to that Good Christian girl name. I have lowered my standards and disappointed myself and many others. What others see in me, I see the opposite in the mirror looking back at me, with hurt in her eyes, and shame in her heart. I have hurt many people. Some close people, whom I never meant to hurt at all. I made a childish excuse to become bitter and mean, and angry because deep down I was hurting inside. I made some mean remarks about others, to other people that I wish I would have never made or said in the first place. I have started fires with my mouth that I can not put out. I have given people a chance to hate me, even though God says I am loved, and good. I became someone I was never made to be. However, even though I often feel like I am carrying a burden of shame, regret, and pain upon my shoulders I do know, that God has already forgiven me. Now it is time I learn to forgive myself.

Where did the shame, regret, and pain start? Better yet, where does it end? It started towards the end of my high school year and carried it’s way into my life when I started college. It started with conversations in class and led to controversial texts outside of class. It started with a dating app called Tinder, and some boys who I knew I’d never end up marrying. A few dates to sweep me off my feet, a kiss here and a kiss there. Hand holding and my hormones out of control. It started with boy after boy, and number after number. Unrequited feelings. A mutual bond, with no lasting commitment. A longing for the wrong kind of love. Then it ended. It ended with me feeling hopeless, and weightless trying to find someone to love me. It ended with me trying to find someone to fall in love with my unpredictable personality, my lack of self-control, and my lack of boundaries. I had no grace for myself

In reality, I never truly learned to love myself. I loved my face and my body, but not myself. My actual mind full of continuous thoughts, and unrational actions. My real self. The parts of me, that I’d put down on the daily. The girl who’s been shut down, and shut off by many people. I was my own worst enemy, and still am to this day. I’d post cute pictures of my face on social media , such as instragram and facebook with the caption “Self Love” with a big paragraph of explaining to the world how we should love ourselves, and how vital it was so we could get through life. Only to realize, that I wasn’t loving myself, I was only preaching to the world so others could feel good, and so I could feel good too. Sure it worked, but it was only temporary. And we all know temporary things don’t last forever.

Life is not a fairytale, and my story’s ending does not end in a happily ever after.

The truth is, In the end, I wound up with a broken heart again and again. I’d trade in pieces of me for temporary pleasure. I’d give in to sending a few harmless, unholy pictures to boys. Pictures that could ruin a persons reputation if given to the wrong person. Pictures, that I never thought I’d be giving out. My days ended with lonely nights crying myself to sleep with so much self -pity strangling me, and covering me like a blanket. A heavy blanket I could not remove myself. I was wrapped in so tightly. Deep in my thoughts, and with my tears full of pain, regret and shame. I’d close my eyes and just try and forget any of it ever happened.

You may be reading this thinking to yourself, “Well if God has already forgiven you, why do you keep holding back? Why are you so afraid to let all of this unjustified sadness, self pity, anger, lust, and pain go?” The truth is, my pain, shame, regret, and past is my testimony. I have let it go for years, but I struggle on a daily to keep it out of my life. I am only human and I make mistakes. One thing is for certain though, my mistakes do not make me the bad person I believe myself to be. My sin does not compare to who God sees me as. No rumor, or saying can justify me. God knows who I am. He knows all I have done, and he knows my hurt. He knows how I feel, and I believe that all of my pain, shame, and regrets are turning into something greater, all for His kingdom, for the purpose He has given me. I forgive myself, and I forgive those who have made me feel this way. It is time to learn to love myself, and time to see the good in myself. Because God does love me, and I am not who the world thinks I am. I am not who I think I am. I am good. I am loved. I am all God has ever wanted me to be. And you are too.

I’d like to end this blog post, by stating that I am truly sorry for anyone who I ever hurt, and I am sorry for anyone who feels hurt at the moment. My prayers and heart go out to you. You are not alone. God is with you every step of the way. I am sorry that it can be hard to love yourself through your mistakes, and I am sorry that an apology does not nearly feel as good as forgiveness does. However, Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God has forgiven me, and he has forgiven you. Your past self isn’t who you are. You are good. No matter what you did yesterday, or last week, or even in the past few years, God sees the good in you and he loves you, even when you don’t see the good in yourself. The shame that you feel ends now. The pain and regrets of your past, it ends now. The story you write for your self, does not compare to the story God has already planned and written for you. You are good. I am good, and we are forgiven.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” -Philippians 1:6